Love,Life,Meaning Over
by Demily187
Summary: Edward didn't come back in New Moon Bella life has gone downhill in the last 4 years and is now living in England to get some piece of mind but not for long. M FOR MATURE CONTENT, SELF HARM, SUICIDE, NOT NICE STUFF
1. Chapter 1

**HEY this is my new story just something I wrote up last night randomly hope you like it. MATURE CONTENT WARNING!  
Based in New Moon first few bits are from the actual text Edward never came back. Sorry it's so choppy it's just the way I wanted to write just to show what happened to Bella before the actual story.  
DEMILY187 xo**

_Day one. The day Edward left…_

"take care of yourself" he breathed  
He was gone.  
Love, life, meaning. . . Over.

_4 months since Edward left…_

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible.  
"That's it Bella! I'm sending you home."  
I stared at Charlie in shock. " I am home."  
"I'm sending you to Renee, to Jacksonville."  
I didn't fight it. I couldn't, not anymore.

_8 months since Edward left…_

Renee jumped excitedly. Charlie was tearing up.  
"Well Bells what does it feel like to finally graduate?" he said hugging me tightly.  
I wanted to say that it sucked. That it was the only thing that got me out of bed anymore. That without it I was just going to waste away in bed doing nothing, being nothing but instead I just smiled "it's great" I can't remember the last time Charlie had smile when he saw me.

_One year…_

"Now tell me, why you did it Bella?"  
That was the question. The question I had heard over and over again for the past 24 hours.  
"Why would attempt suicide Bella?  
What in your life could be so bad?  
Is this about Edward? It's been a year Bella; move on"  
A year. One whole year. This was the day I wanted to avoid. The doctor checked my wrist. Only a little deeper they said and by the time they found me it would have been too late. The look on the doctors' face when I said damn it. Like I was a confusing math problem she couldn't solve.  
"Bella?" the young man looked at me up and down.  
"Aren't you too young to be a therapist?"  
He looked take back. "Uh I'm on my training year."  
"so you're not even licensed? Do that mean I don't have to call you Dr. Bennett? I don't feel I should have to."  
He smiled. " you can call me Ryan if you want"

_1 year 5 months and 14 days since Edward left…_

"Ryan I'm home." I said walking through the front door.  
"In here my love." he called happily from the kitchen. I flinched a little. Fucking Edward. His still there every day in the back of my mind. Even though i thought it was impossible without him, I think I'm happy.

_1 year 7 months…_

"Are you happy with yourself?" Ryan yelled.  
"I'm sorry Ryan I really Am." he shook with rage as he paced in front of me. He picked up a vase and threw it at the wall. I stood up and grabbed onto his arms. "Ryan please just calm down, we don't want to upset the neighbors again."  
He looked at me with utter rage as he slapped me across the face. I stared at him in shock as he stormed of slamming the door behind him. I fell to the ground. He had gotten angry at me before but not this.

_2 years…_

"What happened to your arm Bella?" my therapist asked me. After I had got romantically involved with Ryan he could no longer be my therapist.  
"Um.." my therapist looked worried.  
" Isabella you can tell me anything. Is someone hurting you?" I nodded. "who?"  
"My boyfriend." I said focusing on my shoe very intently.  
"Who is your boyfriend Ms. Swan?" she asked losing her causally attire, pen and paper at the ready.  
"Ryan... Ryan Bennett" half way through writing down the name she stopped and looked up at me.  
"Dr. Bennett?"  
"Yes.."  
"Hmm.." she didn't believe me, no one did. I opened up and told Renee when she first noticed the bruises and she hadn't believed me just said I was making up things why would that nice doctor boy lay a hand on you. This is exactly what this lady was thinking to.  
"Well I will follow that up." she said closing her book. Two things would happen, both bad. One she wouldn't. Two she would but she would go straight to Ryan he will deny all and then he will come home and then... I should have kept my mouth shut.

_2 Years 6 Months…_

"Please officer you have to believe me." I said trying not to whimper.  
"Ms. Swan who do think I'm gonna believe? A young successful Doctor who swears he didn't do these things or you A girl who record isn't exactly stable I may say. Tried to commit suicide twice in the past two years. Once on a few months ago as well."  
"Officer it isn't exactly her fault she's obviously very unstable she been through a lot and though I love her more than anything she can't be a little crazy at times. I mean hurting herself just to get attention.. I see it all the time with my patients." he said smiling at me.

I never understood the saying 'calm before the storm' not until now. Since we got home from the police station Ryan had barely said three words to me but then it came. He started yelling at me and I couldn't see what I had ever seen in him, there was though a moment of softness in his tone and in his eyes when after he stabbed the butcher knife into my stomach as he laid me to the ground he patted my hair back.  
"Why would you do this to yourself?" he said kindly. I don't really remember much after that. I remember him leaving and lying there for a long time I remember hating everyone at that moment, especially Edward if he hadn't left, this wouldn't have happened. Lucky the police had showed up, upstairs had complained about the noise, they called for an ambulance and I remember Ryan showing up, pretending like he had no idea what was going on kept asking what I did to myself and that he loved me. I remember the ambulance arriving but then I blacked out.

_3 years since Edward left…__  
_  
"Please don't go Bells." Charlie begged  
" I'm sorry dad; I can't stay here anymore" I said taking a sip out of my coffee.  
"I know it's been hard Bell and I understand you don't want to stay in Jacksonville but a whole new country?"  
"I just... I need a fresh start." he grabbed onto my hand from across the table.  
"His locked away Bells, he can't get you." he squeezed my hand.  
"I know." I said squeezing back as hard as I could. "It's just when he get out I don't want to be here." I said looking around.  
"His not gonna get out for a long long time Bells, if ever. You're gonna have to come back some time."  
" hey you don't know. He really great at talking his way out of stuff, almost talked his way out of killing me." Charlie flinched at that I squeezed his hand again and gave him a small smile.  
"You don't know how anger that makes me."  
"I know Dad, I know."


	2. Chapter 2

_4 years since Edward left.._

It was one of those days.  
One of those days where I didn't want to get out of bed, I just didn't seem worth it but eventually the nurse came in a pulled me out of bed like they have to do at least once a week.  
"Come on Isabella, you've got theatre today." Nurse Patrick said turning on light. I groaned.  
"I really don't feel up to it. Can't I just rest today?" I said not moving.  
"It's the only class we make you take Isabella; it's for your good. Plus didn't you say you had something important on today?" I groaned again. My Theatre class was putting on a performance today for another Collage. . I couldn't miss it. Without saying another word I got up out of bed and head to my closet.  
"Good Girl." Nurse Patrick smiled at on her way at. "Breakfast in 15."  
After I got dressed I headed down to breakfast room I was early as usual. I grabbed something to eat and made my way over to Ashleigh (my only friend in this 'hell hole' as she calls it). Ashleigh unlike me she didn't check herself in here, her family checked her in two years ago after they found her in her apartment barely alive. She overdosed on something. What they did was sweet, out of love but she sees it as the worst thing that ever happened. When I arrived we were both in Second degree. New people automatically get put into Second degree till they get sussed out and figure out where they belong;  
Third Degree, The Almost Normal or close at least, they can go out, go to school work. It's more a safe place to stay. There aren't that many in First Degree.  
Second Degree, The unstable, the unsure but there's hope. It's where everyone usually is.  
First Degree, the absolute nut cases ones that don't seem to be getting any better anytime soon. I don't think I have ever met someone from First degree, there not even in the same building.

Ashleigh and me had moved up to Third on the same day it's when we became friends I still remember when I told her I checked myself in, she gave me a look a person might give to a First Degree.  
"Hey Ash" I said greeting her at the table. She had an unusual smile across her face.  
"Guess what? Guess what?" she said practically jumping out of her seat.  
"What?" I said smiling just as hard as she was now.  
"Three weeks!" she squeaked.  
"Three weeks?" I asked she stared at me to it clicked. "You're leaving!?" she nodded excitedly "oh my god that's awesome Ash!" I said hugging her then I pulled back, my heart drop a little. "You're leaving" I said sadly, I had really come to like Ashleigh over our time here.  
"Oh Bells" she sighed wrapping her arm around me "you can leave to. Come with me! You're well enough, I'm sure they will let you go."  
I poked fruit loops around the bowl. "I just don't know... I know I'm better… but I just don't trust myself."  
Ashleigh looked at me seriously. "Bells have you been okay lately? I mean I know you feel down but have you had thoughts."  
I thought about it for a while. "Not for a few weeks"  
"And your last episode was months ago and it's not like they are gonna magically stop. As long you come here on weekly bases you'll be fine you can leave this Hell Hole!" she shouted excitedly.  
"I'll think about it."

I had barely unpacked my bag when a nurse was knocking on my door.  
"Bella?" Nurse Marlen was my favourite out of all the nurses here, plus she called me Bella instead of Isabella which earns anyone huge points in my book. "How was your day?"  
"Uh good, had a performance it went well."  
She smiled at me. "Dinner is at 8 annnd you have a visitor." Her smile got wider at that. I looked over at the clock on the wall 7 15. Way past visiting time.  
"Visiting Hours ended ages ago." She just winked at me and said "Special occasion."  
I asked no more questions I walked casually towards the visiting area it was completely deserted except one man sitting at one of the centre tables.  
"Dad!?" I had to hold back a squeal at that moment. I rushed up to him and jumped into his arms, we both weren't usually the emotional type but at this moment I don't think either of us cared.  
"What are you doing here?" I said sitting down next to him at the table.  
"I missed you Bells." He said with tears in his eyes.  
"I missed you to Dad" I said grinning like made. "How long will you be here for?"  
"Just a few days. I would stay longer but work needs me." He said sadly.  
"Yeah I can imagine how much crime and mayhem they will have to handle without you in Forks." I joked. He smiled. It was nice. We talked like this for another hour before Nurse Marlen popped in and said I should head over for dinner.  
"I'm sorry." I said sadly I didn't want him to go, not yet.  
"It okay Bells I'm tired anyways. I'll be around tomorrow." He said smiling "you're so different, in a good way you just seem so happy."  
"I feel better Dad."


	3. Chapter 3

**HEY SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG EXAMS HAVE FINALLY FINISHED AND I SORT OF FORGOT… HE HE SORRY! I'LL TRY MORE TO UPDATE MORE.**  
**Demily187 xxx**

"I can't believe it's been three weeks already..." I whispered trying to hold back tears. Ash hugged me tightly. "You sure you won't change your mind Bells?"  
"I just want to give it a few more weeks." She sadly nodded at me.  
"We've got to go or we will miss our flight." Ashleigh's brother Jonathan said to her. Ash squeezed me tightly one more time. "Call me the second you get out of this hell hole."  
"I promise." She left without another word; I stood out the front watching the cab drive away. I don't know how long I stood there for but eventually a nurse took me into the lounge and sat me down. She said things to me but I didn't hear them. I remand there and the sun went down and a nurse took me to dinner but I didn't eat, everyone left and they took me to bed. I felt so alone.

_6 months later…_

I slip on my slippers and my coat. I am wearing the allocated Second Degree uniform. Tracksuit pants, simple black t-shirt, no bra. We're not a loud to wear a bra for many they told that I couldn't remember. I sneak out of the back door and walk around the garden, as I have done many nights. Second years aren't meant to without a guide but I need fresh air.  
Once Ashleigh left I went downhill, they moved me back to Second Degree once I stopped eating. Charlie wasn't happy to hear I gotten worse he wanted to come down but I told him not to bother, I could hear how much I was hurting him and it hurt me to, I've been dogging his calls for weeks. I don't want to disappoint with news I haven't got better, I don't know if either of us could handle it.  
I got to the front gate. It was unlocked and without thinking I pushed it open. I walked for hours till I got lost. I passed shop by shop nothing looking familiar I didn't care. I came to the corner and saw some dirty looking bikers they were yelling loudly and some of them were eyeing me off, I can understand why. I look back where I came from and considered it for a second. I looked back at the bikers and saw some of them had guns on their hips. Without thinking my feet moved forward, I don't know what I thought I would do, provoke them to they shot me, ask them for they gun myself I didn't care I didn't think I just moved. Half way across the road I saw something flicker to my right I ignored it at first but suddenly it moved again to stand right in front of me and I stopped.  
"Edward?" I gasped.  
"Bella, don't." He whispered, his voice sounded better than I remembered. I looked around confused wondering what was going on. I noticed a car had stopped due to me standing on the road. I stared back at Edward, marvelling in his beauty. I heard a car door shut and my name being called. Nurse Patrick appeared in front of me shaking me, I pushed her off and move around to look at Edward, and he seemed to be fading I shook my head trying to get him back.  
"Bella what are you looking at?" Nurse Patrick asked worryingly.  
"Edward. His right there don't you see him?" I almost shouted. The nurses looked at the place I was pointing at. His imagine was I almost gone.  
"Bella, there's no one's there." Nurse Patrick said sadly. They were giving a look I didn't like. I looked back to where Edward stood. He was gone.

5 years... 5 years since _he_ left. I'm 23…. 23… _he_ was only 17... I'm much older than _he _will ever be... I have to see him again and I will... I will. They stuck me in First Degree for a while but I smiled my way out of it, it's taken almost 6 months but I've done it. I'm back up in Second Degree and tonight's the night. I will see him again.


	4. Authors Note SORRY

AUTHORS NOTE  
SORRY  
I will be continuing my stories. My laptop died and I lost everything. About to get it new one but im gonna have to re type it all. Im sorry for making you all wait for so long for an update I feel terrible. Will try and make it up to you as soon as possible. Hope you're still interested!  
Demily187 xxx


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